ME: check out my shitbox. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Hands up from the guilty boys

And you would need a theme song…

What would happen if a “roundtable” was suddenly held as a square one?

The new #TopGunMaverick is just an fancy expensive informercial for Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer’s plastic surgeons - with fighter jets of course

Virgins give zero fucks.

Wisdom.

TV that could survive a nuclear blast

*me, thinking about having a snack 15 minutes after I said I was full*

[Physical] Doctor: Are you eating healthier this year? Me: *pulls a can of whipped cream out of my purse and sprays it into my mouth* Absolutely!

My face when you tell me that the double chocolate truffle ice cream i just had a spoonful is fat free…

Anyone want to play with a box of bees? This and more on the latest episode of @SmutPodcast

@kelly__le Definitely avoid the documentary about how Kraft Food Corp finds and traps 57 kids named “Heinz” each week to make the sauce with.

"I was feeling pretty good about my vice-presidential speechwriting, producing of a National Geographic show, and my 5 New York Times Bestsellers! Until..."

Wouldn't it be cool if candy flew out of a guys balls like a piñata when you busted them. 💥🪅

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

There should be a national "Gary Larson Day"

well, that was weird. Apparently, I didn't exist in the Twitterverse for a while. I'm back?

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary MY GOD TWITTER - WE ARE OLD