Who called it “thrifting” and not “Goodwill hunting.”

If they won’t eat pasta with you at 10:30 on a Monday morning, they’re not the one

My 10 y/o daughter loves tennis. We were volleying some balls when she stopped to proclaim, “This is my happy place,” and just as I welled up a bit, she said, “so is eating a sandwich.” A girl’s gotta have priorities.

Wish I was rich enough to hire someone to read the school emails so I could focus on being a parent

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

My kids aren't very creative when choosing names Their favourite soft toys: Fuzzy bear and bunny Ginger cat that visits our yard: Ginger Me: Mr. Farts

What (and I cannot stress this enough) EVER!

No Twitter, you can't die now...

My attempt at a daily affirmation pick-me-up after crying in the fetal position for 25 mins while in the shower.

But 3am is the perfect time for an existential crisis - my brain

Ha, 69 nice... wait, what the fuck?!

Just had a near death experience Ok, almost a near death... Ok, I just didn't realize I'd used the last of the TP roll and there was no spare... point is, you never know how much you have left

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

I've heard all about the benefits of taking regular cold water showers I found the best part was using all the hot water up first

Me noticing a penny on the ground and wondering if it’s old enough to be worth more than a penny:

*presses lips against mic* I wished I sanitized this first

Alanis Morissette:🎵 It's not fair, to deny me / Of the Cocaine Bear that you gave to me 🎶

“the arrest will actually be tomorrow” me:

I’m not coming out of my cage and doing just fine, I am whatever this is