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I just want to walk around in a bikini with the confidence of a dad at a waterpark

my entire life is set in dark mode

I didn’t mean to like your tweet, I was wiping barbecue sauce off my phone screen

Back when I was in high school and they asked me what I wanted to be, no one even knew "asshole with a computer" was even going to be a thing

The whole world really went to Hell when we stopped training dobermans to rob banks

What I lack in good judgment, I make up for in amount of french fries under the seat of my car

I'm Gen-X. Of course I can fight the feeling.

I will not pump up my jam it's already swollen and tender

Happy birthday Paul McCartney

You guys can do whatever "good" you think you'd be doing with your time machine, but I'm using mine to go back to 1982 to marry Phoebe Cates

Must love laughing at inappropriate times and crumbs on your side of the bed

I pronounce CHandelier & CHampagne like CHimp so hillbillies know im approachable & the upper class thinks im whimsical

Snacks (greasy) and books (absorbent), forever at war.

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In a surprisingly tense moment for Hee Haw fans, Johnny Cash popped up in the cornfield and told Roy Clark he would fucking kill him.

Some of you won't believe this but you are allowed to go on vacation without buying all new outfits first.

Thrilla the Gorilla so proud of my family tree: Lothar, Silas, Jethro

Carl

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

I thought we had shit in common then you used "summer" as a verb