*mutes self

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

I suffered a seizure last night & it was awful. The cops took all my drugs.

Person with brown hair: Can I tell you a story about my friend in a wheelchair? Me [from my wheelchair]: Can I tell you a story about my friend with brown hair?

Watched my neighbor freak out walking through an orb weaver web and now I'm wondering if spiders flail around and scream when they brush up against one of our hairs.

*sound of door creaking* My dog: *on high alert* wtf is that My son: *opening the microwave* oh that’s just my corn dogs

If you’re a fitted sheet company that puts tags that indicates top or bottom you a real one