You ever spill your entire In-n-Out order while everyone watches and then stare sadly while the nearest employee sweeps away your pile of wet fries? ... ya me neither

An international flight is actually just a really expensive way to watch the 4 movies you only kinda wanted to see but didn’t want to pay for two years ago

Cell phones have given us: - DSLR quality photos - The ability to call loved ones 4823 miles away - Infinite information - TWO selfie cameras you can use to get that mustard seed off your incisor, Sharon. Stop walkin around with food in your teeth, damn fools. WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY

people always talking about how smart dolphins are. how about we stop talking and have them take the ACT

Pray that no one sits next to me on the bus but then also offended when they choose to sit next to someone else. Like what's up? You don't like me? We got beef?

Dogs are the best x.com/buitengebieden…

How is it that I've been to a barbershop every two months for my entire life and still can't tell them what I want? Uhhh ya could you just make it look... less stupid?

There was a herd of bison walking right toward me at Yellowstone National Park today!

Sucks the Olympics got postponed. According to Strava, I have a chance at gold

If I win trivia, it's because I'm actually a god. If I lose, it's because my brain isn't full of useless information Sry I don't make the rules

THIS IS NOT JUSTICE.

Just this $30 to-go pitcher of margarita. Really good and big and huge and also not small at all. Wow so great!!!!!

Yo just wanted everyone to know that I'll be making an active effort to use this phrase at least 3 times a day from here on out

My favorite thing to do is to circle back regarding touching base

Met some of my girlfriend's relatives this week. Guess which one of my features they secretly told my girlfriend they liked the most

My card game Cruel Tunes that combines music and roasting your friends is live on Kickstarter! You can go grab a copy at kickstarter.com/projects/cruel… BUT PLEASE GIVE THIS A RT SO WE CAN SPREAD THE WORD!!!

When you finish finals and don't have to use a pen or keyboard for 3 weeks