... Febreeze has totally reinvented how I do laundry (I don't do laundry anymore.).

I just tripped over your impending doom.

When in doubt, go weirder.

I'm not a nice person?? That's cute. Tell me something I don't know princess.

Flappy bird can eat a flappy turd. I'm getting PISSED.

Mistakenly bet the Seahawks would win last night's State Of The Union. Obviously the winner was Joe Biden's teeth.

People ask me why I only have like 1 good girlfriend & quite frankly the only logical answer is "Cuz I have 99 problems & a bitch aint one."

@kaitlinterrel Shawn all the way.

Your popular opinion can take a hike.

I COULD dance like nobody's watching BUT I think I'll just stick to dancing like everyone is watching and I'm trying to offend them all. 😎

I'm about to partake in Kidz Bop inspired suicide.

"Yeah can I get 12 extra shots of espresso? Thanks."

“Suzi ॐ: Apologizing doesn't mean that u are wrong & the other person is right. It means that u value ur relationship more than ur ego.” 👌

@jayboxcar What have I done now?

Eats healthy all day... Peanut butter pie at 1:00am. Shmeh.

Making these with your face on it. Hanging them EVERYWHERE. #ForTheCougs #MomsAndMellancamp #Cougars #🐯

@GregBFGHarris Happens to me every day.

#SHARE #OMAHA #12thMan #IBOB #SUPERBOWL

RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman.