Woke up today so we're on to a bad start.

Never open your POCKET to prove your LOVE to anyone.

if you are my friend ily but you need better friends

Even though I’m a 30 year old grown ass woman, it still warms my heart when my dad calls me “Kiddo.” 🩷

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

God gave me two hands so I could wipe my butt with two hands.

I need a wizard shirt.

You know Tom Hanks must’ve fucked that volleyball.

social media really got yall thinking 15 likes not a lot.. imagine 15 gorillas in your room tryna fck you

really fucked up when the toilet gulps after you flush

Pink eye is temporary but being remembered as the rim reaper is forever

The cleanup on aisle 47 is going to take forever.

up your butt and around the corner might have been the best comeback of my childhood

I’ll take the steak and lobster… and for the lady, a 300 mg adderall

how tf subway gonna ask me for a tip, bro we made this sandwich together tf

NOTHING SEXUAL

drunk calling Little Caesars and asking if they're hot n ready for me

They’ve made 6 scary movies? Wtf.