BREAKING: White smoke rises from the temple on Little Saint James Island as a new Jeffery Epstein has been chosen.

The key to happiness is hanging this screenshot from a random Indian family’s trip to Las Vegas in my living room

Beyoncé 218 lbs > Michael Jackson 136 pounds

I keep daydreaming about Jon Gruden making his offensive lineman graze like cattle during training camp

You can’t arrest me, I’m the Cake Boss

At my local Cracker Barrel the old man was always stark naked on the front porch, so I for one don’t mind the change

At my local Cracker Barrel, we’re still whipping the 83 year-old town pedo over a barrel after our meals. You can’t take our traditions, our history.

Just chain-locked Grandpa’s wheelchair to the Cracker Barrel porch. Fight for your rights, preserve your history!

POV: your team just absolutely destroyed and swept the Tony Awards category at dive bar trivia night

RIP Jerry Seinfeld

Belichick:

Same, bro

Maybe the best Twitter ad I’ve seen

Whole neighborhood smellin’ like a damn school lunch. . . . . disgusting

Going to start drinking gin & referring to myself as Gin Diesel in the third person

Someone in midtown Manhattan is being paid a years salary to rip out Andrew Cuomo’s nipple rings tonight

Jeffrey “409” Epstein Paterno

You just know Elon had cards against humanity packed to take to the island