If I ever die choking on food, it’s safe to assume it was the extra sharp cheddar.

My teeth are not working. I’ll probably die of hemorrhagic shock while attempting to chew. Dental diet works, zero miserable stars, do not recommend.

If you park in your driveway and block the sidewalk, I’m walking up and around the offending vehicle and through your yard, IDGAF

Yes, I have E.S.P. (emotional support pizza)

1990s: “Tales From The Crypt” 2020s: “Tales From The Crypto”

A haunted house, but it’s just someone asking me to meet them for coffee and they actually show up.

pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask

I hate when I'm doing chores, sit down for a quick break, and accidentally rewatch both seasons of House of the Dragon.

The only way to make pumpkin spice worse is to put it on pumpkin.

When she asks you what your kinks are and you instinctively point to your trick knee.

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human? Me: Of course ba...wait, what? *Her jaw unhinges*

Have you ever let down your hair and your whole scalp feels bruised

When someone says a house has good bones, it means it doesn’t have Osteoporosis.

My cat barfed on the tile instead of the carpet and I can't help but think he has a devious endgame

not drink from the milk carton i left out overnight, in this economy?

Is your name AVON, because I know you'll be calling?

the greatest trick my dog ever learned was convincing me that i’m actually her emotional support animal