Some folks have asked how a "liberal icon" like your girl can still look in the mirror while helping the world's richest CEOs trash their workers. Easy answer: I've had all the mirrors in my house removed and replaced with Amazon #FireTablets! Thanks boys! See you at Cheesecake.

I didn’t take this job for the money. I took it bc the "Scandal" writers deserve to be punished for giving my clients unrealistic expectations #notamiracleworker

don't worry about MY business, once I break these silly strikes the progressive clients will come crawling back (especially after Hannity sees the endangered salamander I slipped under Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's rear tire)

(might delete later) honestly I only took this job because Robert Iger promised to show me the frozen head and I'm getting pretty sick of waiting, BOB

sounds like SOMEBODY doesn't want to take a turn driving Jeff's mechsuit after all 😒

Bob's Big Boy is a freaking DINER?! All this time I thought it was just what Robert Iger calls his—

sorry dudes and dudettes, this one actually might have been my fault in my defense, I didn't see the unstable connection warning on my Zoom when I told Zas "get rid of (that vest if you want a chance at) winning (this) time"

a few of you spoiled little Hollywood nepo babies have called me a "soulless corporate shill" and Im sorry to say I spoke to a VERY qualified theologian and he confirmed it is widely accepted in all Abrahamic faiths that shills DO have souls. better luck next time haters 😗

JOURNALISTS: just because the WGA and AMPTP are returning to negotiating doesn't mean you're off the hook. I need at least seven more in-depth profiles mentioning Carol Lombardini's favorite baseball teams by Friday or I'm letting Bezos buy all your publishers

hollywood hates fresh ideas which is why we're never getting the sequel where John Wick is a heroic crisis management PR professional fighting off a scummy labor union to save his employers' bottom line

got into a huge fight with Carol Lombardini today over whether or not Cheesecake actually counts as a "factory" i'm just saying I think restaurants should be careful with that language? like. did you see the car factory people are on strike? we don't want it spreading

see kids, SOME people don't have to stand outside the FOX LOT wearing SILLY HATS with a bunch of freaking PINS on them to get a raise

there is exactly ONE ride-or-die, LOYAL bitch left in this town and her name is SHARON WAXMAN that is why I'm endowing an annual award for excellence in journalism the Waxman Trophy will go to the writer who publishes my "anonymous" "tip" emails with the least editing each year

wishing the AMPTP and their ungrateful employees, the WGA, the best with today's resumption of negotiations. please mamas let's get a deal done before the yachts have to spend the holidays not knowing where their parents' next support yachts are coming from :(

i'm not saying i take credit for getting the CEOs more involved but i'm just saying i told Bob it's time to show me the frozen head like he promised and PRESTO ABRA CADABRA he's in the room personally, look at God

you got that right, there will be no quiet quitting on Molly's watch get your narrow behinds in line and DANCE MARIONETTES DANCE FOR THE CORPORATE OVERLORDS haha did i type that part out loud oh shit oh well send tweet

Just because the WGA has a (TENTATIVE) deal does NOT mean this strike is over. SAG-AFTRA remains on strike and I, for one, will continue to stand in solidarity with the CEOs and the yachts until ALL strikes are resolved to the greatest benefit of money

*and I get my check can anyone explain to me what "business affairs" is and why they're telling me I have to wait to get paid?

SCOOP: I can exclusively confirm that yes I HAVE been hired as Gavin Newsom's new communications director, a job I desperately need to feed my family of 3 special needs savings accounts labeled "yacht fund"

I hate when men just repeat what a woman said and act like they invented the idea except when the man is my pal Matty-Matt Ballooney and the woman is an "insider" source that happens to be a a sweet gal y'all know and love named MOLLY (round of applause for me)