There are four stages of a day off: 1: I will do so much stuff 2: Later I’ll do some stuff 3: Eventually I’ll do some stuff 4: Oh no

somewhere deep in canada there’s an absolute dreamboat waiting tables in an olive garden who has no idea he’s about to become troy barrett

No real notifications on here. Just community notes and the occasional “looking for a sugar daddy? DM me” reply guy.

I miss the days when I, an average US citizen, could go literal weeks without hearing or even thinking about the United States president.

While attending a networking luncheon yesterday, I was asked what excited me most about the World Cup coming to KC and I told them that I’m excited for a bigger dating pool and to find myself a foreign hottie. Gotta use my resources, ya know?

“Please show up 15 minutes early for your appointment” best I can do is 3 minutes late

Kansas appears to be playing a school I wasn't aware existed until 20 seconds ago, so naturally, I'm terrified

My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons.

no matter how bad inflation gets, the price of buying a vowel on Wheel of Fortune is still $250 and I think that's beautiful

Lot of audacity to send me a work email during my work hours

“This isn’t what I voted for.” My brother in Christ it was an open book test!!!

Being on top when you’re used to being a cutie pillow princess

"just like patting my dog on the head. Makes me feel real good" 🤏

It's her day 💗

Going off grid for awhile. (Leaving my phone in the other room while it charges.)

running a few trivial errands on saturday afternoon is my favorite way to unintentionally spend like $400

Friday: Christ has died. Yesterday: Christ is risen. Tonight at midnight: Christ has entered the portal.

Getting a passive-aggressive email at work is so funny. No way you want to fight me over an Excel file.

when goodreads emails you to let you that you just finished a book like thanks beast i was the one who told you that though