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my soul blinked and in the darkness i glimpsed the future. america will no longer be polarized around race or political tribe. it will be polarized around completely inscrutable pro smash melee player beefs

me: (to 6yo nephew) hey 6yo nephew: bro. bro. bro. like—bro. do—bro—do you—bro, do you like gum?

jesus to all the people who are only pretending to be religious for insincere cynical reasons

my name is locutus of borg. ‘ohana

how do we know woodchucks even chuck wood? what does it even mean to chuck wood?

walt? i’m not walt. my name’s bad. breaking bad

you just keep trying the foods you hate. you just keep trying them. you hate pickles your whole life. you take them off every fast food burger from age 5 to 35. but you always try them. you always try. because one day, you’ll finally bite into a cuban sandwich, for the first time

Millennials like myself growing out of the tighty whiteys of youth put on boxer briefs as adolescents, which was considered a cool, form-fitting way to pack it all in. But zoomer men have moved on to greener pastures w/ a step not all millennials will be willing to take: diapers