I can't imagine China has many hipsters.

I put my onesie on one body at a time just like everybody else.

Is there a way of not losing all respect for people who question why you know who directed the movie they're talking about?

*knocks on gates of hell* Yeah... Hi there! I heard you dismiss christians here. Can I come in and take a look?

Hold it right there. You need to fill out this eye contact form first.

*shrugs* Sure, I'd sell it too.

Cool expression, but can you tell me about the 21 first catches? Are there any more?! JEEZ KNOW SOMETHING BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FACE HOLE!

Smart-ass points awarded to co-worker Ben for pointing out that I described him with the adjective "undescribable".

"Italian food" means "saturated fats served on a kingsize bed of stupid carbs" in italian. In english it means "stuff my face full of that".

Is it too early to start saying "Back in my day, we used to pour buckets of ice over ourselves"?

Not at all. Some of my best friends are superfoods.

Uhm, yeah... Sure I wanna hold your baby.

If you're right all the time it must be comforting to know there's always someone left out there to prove wrong.

"A certain degree of discretion might be in order if you understand me." "Got it. Fahrenheit. No? Celcius? Help me out here!"

Who has a cooler accent than mine? Other people.

I bet none of you can't imitate my voicemail message as well as I do when I accidentally answer.

I wish I could just plug in Matrix style and download every pun ever told so I won't do the goofy chuckle whenever I haven't heard one.

We get it. You have a small penis.

I scratch your back and you massage my feet.