The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I have four of them that I use to eat sea plants.

I'm not a loser, I'm just the first place winner at giving up.

They don't give out trophies for last place but you can order one on your own if you want.

Have a positive body image, even if your body looks like a refridgerator with flippers and a tail.

Dating is a numbers game. So far, all of my numbers are zero.

I'm not a loser, I'm just a winner taking his time.

When I realize nobody has called or texted me in over a month, I say 'Carpe Diem.'

When the ice cream parlor cuts me off because I've been overserved, I say 'Carpe Diem.'

When I have to buy 2 airplane seats because of my size, I say 'Carpe Diem.'

When the neighborhood kids beat me up and take my money, I say 'Carpe Diem.'

When the highlight of my day was a telemarketer call, I say 'Carpe Diem.'

When my closest friends are named 'Rocky Road' and 'Cherry Garcia,' I say 'Carpe Diem.'

Had to stop watching inspirational videos online because my tears shorted out my keyboard.

There's nothing like the sweet smell of success except baking cookies, fresh cake, cooling pies...

Who has two fat gray flippers and thinks he's an OK dude? This guy!

Never let success go to your head or failure go to your heart or too much dairy go to your tummy.

Always do your best. Or at least try hard. But know someone is probably way better at it without even trying in the slightest.

I'd like to create a startup where you can find someone who wants a hug using your smartphone

Lose your pride and lose your fear but don't lose hope. Wait, has anyone seen my hope?

I'm single by choice. I just wish once someone would choose me.