Sam: *Kicks the door down looking panicked* Jack : What did you do? Sam: Nobody died sir. Jack: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Computer: Please enter a password. Jack: *types in SamanthaCarter* Computer: Your password is too weak. Jack: How fucking DARE YOU-

Daniel : This is a very powerful artifact. You’d be messing with some forces we don’t fully understand. Jack: That sounds like a dare to me. Daniel : Do not touch it Jack! Jack: *touches it*

Jack: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much. Sam: Oh, you’ve been to jail sir? Jack: Once. In Monopoly.

Jack: Are you tall enough to play basketball though? Janet: Are you calling me short? Jack: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

Jack: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us. Sam: We do have a specific noise for it sir. It sounds like this: Sam: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

Jack: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things. *Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder* McKay: *Out of breath* O'NEILL PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

Jack: Am I going too far? Daniel: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

Jack: I prevented a murder today. Sam: Really sir? How’d you do that? Jack: Self control.

*Daniel enters conference room* Daniel: Jack what are you doing? Jack: Just thinking Daniel: Should I be worried about that? Credit: Prickly Jedi

Sam, tending to Jack's wounds: How would you rate your pain sir? Jack : Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

Jack: I'm incredibly fast at math. Sam: Alright sir, what's 30x17? Jack : 47 Sam: That's not even close. Jack: But it was fast.

Janet : God, give me patience. Daniel : I think you mean 'give me strength'. Janet : If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

Daniel: Can you please be serious for five minutes? Jack: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

Hammond: Did none of you step back and think that maybe this was a bad idea?! Jack: Oh, no, we did. We just decided to do it anyway. Hammond:...

Jack: You love me, right, Sam? Sam: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

Sam: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology. Jack, amazed: Wow... Daniel, to Jack: Well what does that mean? Jack: I don't know Jack : What does that mean Carter?

Jack: Whaddya call a fish with no eye? Daniel not looking up: Myxine Circifrons Jack: Jack: fsh

Jack: We need to get through this locked door. Daniel , give me your credit card. Daniel: Here. Jack, pocketing it: Thanks. Carter, kick down the door.

Sam: Everyone, synchronize your watches. Jack: I don’t know how to do that Carter. Teal'c: I do not wear a watch. Daniel: Time is a construct.