Thinking of my mother during the Holidays, looking down on me. She's not dead or anything, just very condescending

Saturdays are just for me and the boys and our ✨group induced autism✨

Patiently waiting for Pinterest to come up with a dating app where we match based on our boards

Dating in your 30s is like dating in your 20s but you’re 10 years older.

Trying to have conversation on dating apps is like talking to a late state dementia patient phasing in and out

A moment of silence for the fallen homie

Dating men in their 30s is like getting a used car, it runs fine but check engine light is on and they refuse to see a mechanic (therapist)

Date idea: We get tipsy of some good wine and go on FBmarket and do this:

If you’re my homeboy and Im dating someone and you put them on your close friends stories list, we’ll need to have a sit down buddy

Nothing hurts more than getting ghosted by someone whose leagues below you.

Lesson 1 in how to piss off all parties involved:

“Tall, funny, handsome, rich, humble, great in bed, attentive, caring, generous, ambitious. These are the qualities women look for in a man & honestly it ain’t even asking for a lot. Bare minimum if you ask me smh the dating scene is so tough for women.” - dudes tryin to get laid

Psychiatrist: So we’re almost done, let’s see how are your hormones. Me: *blushes*..uhh.. i mean they’re average, not too loud not too quiet. Psychiatrist: …. Me: ..OH…you mean like… in my body not whor.. Psychiatrist: Yeah…. *scribbles aggressively on pad*

At this point, if you asked me, whist holding a shotgun, to walk together to the back of the shed I’d be fkn thrilled.

I swear if I see another instagram story with the “summer is calling” filter Im snitching on everyone

I can no longer endure the unrealistic societal pressure of having matching socks

100 black people vs 1 smoke alarm battery

100 catholic preacher boys vs 1 pope

Run clubs are just modern day speed dating meetings with extra steps

Dating apps will ask you to put: - your age - your height - your ethnicithy - your religious beliefs - your political views - your lifestyle - your desire (or not) to have kids - your diet, drug & alcohol intake - even your income But your weight is too personal? 😂😂