Getting into a relationship may be tempting but so was getting on the titanic ship and look what happened there.

My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So now I have to sit down when I pee.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

"Can I help you Sir?" "No, I just waited in line for 30 minutes to say Hi."

The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.

Darkest: the exact moment you’re trying to find your seat at a movie.

Teacher: "Tell me the name of 3 great kings?" Me: "SmoKING, drinKING and f*cKING."

It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

So tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They’re where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE!

I think there's finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.

Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

Mom says 'Alcohol is your enemy'... Jesus says 'Love your enemy.'

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow.

Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.

Whoever snuck the 'S' into Fast Food ...well played!

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

I'm homy... and I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.