Based on the fact that Donald J. Trump thinks Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon have no talent, I also hope he thinks that I have no talent.

Who is more in delusional denial that their person isn't lying, supporters of Donald Trump or Urban Meyer?

If you think Pete Buttigieg wouldn't be a great leader because he's gay, you obviously haven't heard of Dumbledore.

Want to send a special thank you to all the comics that hit the stage last night. Trevor Tre' Keveloh🌪 Jon Huck @megangailey Danno Carter Andrew Sleighter @NonProfitComic Sean Green

Daylight savings time does the opposite of saving daylight. It's daylight stealings time. I'm not doing it this year. If you are, do the appropriate math when making plans with me.

For the record, Amy Coney Barrett is not a Notre Dame alum. She's a Notre Dame law school alum. And we don't associate with those people because they are the worst to sit near at football games.

Thank you AOL.com for preparing me for dating apps. I use the same tricks in bumble messages that I used in instant messages.

The Vikings had no shot to win that game. Now I have to try to meet a woman tonight.

Just biked by this towel sign randomly. Now that I found it, this will be my new pre-Pancho's… instagram.com/p/BeROzvPFLTW/

Saw a girl on bumble whose profile said "lookin 4 a suga daddy," and then she linked her venmo account. So I found her on venmo. And I requested 100 dollars from her.

There are so many more hateful, racist, cantankerous comments all over the internet than ever before. I don't know if it's all Trump's fault or if it just took these people until 2018 to learn what the internet is.

I think Tom Brady is the least weird person on the planet. Go Eagles.

Doing stand up comedy has made it much easier to deal with being rejected by women.

Job Teacher Injury Decision Meeting Tone Issue Offense Dog Question Addiction Movie Camp Counselor Condition Boss Conversation Rash Landlord Demeanor Risk Consequences Father In Law Does the word "Serious" make any of those better? Why would I want a Serious Relationship?

Again don't tell me that my career isn't going anywhere. Look at this crowd at Speed Dating… instagram.com/p/BfNLQeqFo-u/

Tonight is Pancho's Comedy Night #236 and I found a magical alley just in time.

It's considered rude to not introduce people. But I feel much worse when I introduce people who already know each other.

Sometimes I forget how fun Standup can be when you go up 5th at a sold out Comedy Club versus… instagram.com/p/BhRx49UFg0i/

This Tuesday is the first ever stand up show at the Hollywood Palladium. Like most things I do… instagram.com/p/BhetUsrli83/