Just hit the holy grail of hotel TV: law and order SVU featuring Kathy Griffin.

I got off stage the other night and someone in the audience said wow she’s so pretty so yeah that’s why I do stand up. For the compliments.

I don’t have a sugar daddy I have a stevia father

It’s been like two months and I can’t get into my instagram so I’m just going to apply for a job there with a good fake resume and tell them I don’t even want it I just want my account back

Don’t Tell Reno was awesome. Sold out 250 people deep. Thanks to everyone who came out to support live comedy & thank you to The Reno Generator. Follow @ donttellreno on Instagram for shows or visit donttellcomedy.com.

I fractured my hand and just want to say I appreciate the outpouring offers of painkillers from my friends.

Hanging out with a women in their 30's is just regurgitating self help phrases to one another.

I haven’t tweeted in a while but I’m back to say that Patrick Fugit really did age well

NYC is so great for my confidence bc so many gross creepy men tell me I am beautiful here.

Oh great this plane’s captain is named Brad. I don’t know if I trust him.

Does anyone else feel elitist when they watch something on Apple TV?

I should probably not drink bc when I do I just remember times like when I got rejected by a jimmy fallon intern when I was 22. Embarrassing.

“I’m actually a really talent artist” I whisper while writing an inane customer service email.

I don’t have birthing hips, I have backpacking hips.

i need to burn sage but in my brain