I wrote a book! It would be a great Christmas gift for someone you love and better gift for someone you hate! The (Un)Luckiest Girl In The World a.co/d/76qqijH

Donald Trump is pro-drone. He wants it to be dark earlier for the drones to come out and play. He is paid off by big drone. He might even be a drone.

Got kicked out of the squid game because I kept falling in love with the other contestants

Trump supporters have been waiting to sing the second verse of country grammar

This is Vinny from Jersey Shore

friend’s parents: screaming at each other about directions me in the backseat:

Hold on just let me let the 3 year old out back to see if she’s gotta go to the bathroom before we leave

When the baby immediately shits in the fresh diaper

My worst fear is upsetting this guy and getting roasted on Twitter

I auditioned to be the cool guy doctor in the Pitt but they told me and I quote “SIR THIS IS NOT HBO THIS IS A REAL HOSPITAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DROP THE SCALPEL”

When my dog sees another dog on a walk

Why’d I think this was Connor from Love on the Spectrum

“Hey babe did you see this? Absolutely disgusting. Some men are so sick that they’d go out and buy this for themselves… So anyway Father’s Day is coming up.”

Every movie should have a Freaky Friday plot somewhere in there. Just 2 characters who inexplicably switch bodies. I don’t care what kind of movie it is. Goodfellas, Scream, The Notebook. Imagine Oppenheimer if he switched bodies with Einstein. Billion dollar idea

We are one more Epstein breaking news away from Trump instituting the purge

do mosquitos eat the blood or do they just do it for the love of the game

Republicans: our men are actual MEN and we will use our guns and fight for freedom. We fear NOTHING Republicans when they see a transgender person:

youtube.com/watch?v=7W7-oS…

Very big fan of Marty Supreme and loved the 1950s vibes but did not enjoy the part where he screams “GOOGLE ME” at those high school kids