my wife watching me plug numbers into turbotax until we get enough money back for a trip to atlantic city

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SCOREBUG

“Certified lover boy? Certified PEDOPHILE!”

If they had access to Zyn and Celsius in Ancient Rome, we’d all be speaking Latin right now

I’d rather get 8 “ha ha” reacts in the group chat than have sex with Sydney Sweeney

of mice and men is crazy because it’s a book about a friend blowing a friend’s head clean off and you read it with all your friends in 7th grade

_

never forget

The year is 2005. You've just got home from middle school baseball practice and Mom has Mac & cheese cooking for dinner. You have half an hour before 5pm EST but instead of starting your homework you log into AIM and your crush has an away message on - but is she actually away,

mr. milchick… your outie just signed a 3 year deal

Checked my credit card balance

The last week summarized:

consultants when they have to answer a client question they don't understand

The assignment editor at Fox whose job it is to find transgender athletes to talk about on air while the stock market crashes

"why do you always go out for one drink with your friends and come home blackout drunk?"

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Standing by for orders chief

How the girl from Brooklyn looks at me when I tell her I believe in socialism (i work in private equity)