lying down in front of a freight train after walking 4,001 steps per day

They should make a patron saint of Chilling Out.

Fleetwood Mac is like if ABBA was worse at polyamory

catching up on my correspondences like a responsible 18th century socialite (swiping up on instagram stories and checking the gc first thing in the morning)

I don’t care if I have micro plastics in my body. You know what else is in there? Love. Joy. Kindness. They will take care of the micro plastics

(Guy who loves making assumptions based on very little evidence) yeah leap day was great I formed so many conclusions.

Born to sow. Forced to reap.

20 or 30 gay people in my phone simultaneously sending this to me like an amber alert

I don’t need drugs or alcohol to have a good time because a few weeks ago I left the perfect voicemail. Knocked it out of the park. No pauses or stuttering-just my name, message, and number. I’ll be riding that high for the rest of my life.

“It’s cringey and embarrassing to like your own posts!!” Just wait until you find out about j*cking off

Are they playing Chappell Roan in the club yet I haven’t shaken ass in a while

I WARNED YOU GUYS SO HARD

babe ur texts are too screenshottable, ur lore too quotable, ur life too goofy. they are gonna kill u

Called in sick from work the day after pride month like a werewolf recovering from the full moon

If I was in charge of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad all the girls would wear berets, red lipstick, black turtlenecks and sunglasses and would sit smoking cigarettes and looking disinterested instead of doing cheers or whatever. no smiling also

I love when trends from the early 2000s resurface!!! like boot cut jeans or an internet failure that induces global panic

She’s our only hope on global IT outage day

Who else was a part of Rejectress-gate 2024 and do you guys wanna hang out later

I bring a certain That’s It No More Mr Nice Guy vibe to conflict that people don’t really take seriously

They should invent a me that can drink 1.5 martinis without waking up at 4:30 in the morning with the cortisol levels of someone being hunted for sport