Them: I can’t tell if you’re joking or not Me: good.

My favorite thing about working remotely is that when I scream, I don’t have to explain why

Voicemail leavers: I’m cool forcing you to waste your time on my VM so that I don’t have to waste my time later saying it to you even though I’m just going to repeat everything I said in my VM when you call back so I can waste your time twice on something I could’ve just texted

Working remotely isn’t always great though. Sometimes I miss an audience for my meltdowns.

a haunted house but it’s just you recalling all the red flags you ignored in every hiring process you’ve ever been through

Me, when anyone asks me anything at work:

Thanks Spirit Halloween! Because few things are scarier than #CorporateAmerica! What costume are you wearing today (wrong answers only)? 👻

I don’t want to go to work today. I want to lay in bed until someone chooses me to be their plus one to a chocolate factory and then have the best day of my life until I get stuck in that pipe

My love language is receiving gifts of silence from you in the workplace

Best ways to contact me: 1. text 2. email 3. IG DMs … 47. esp 48. pony express 49. fax 50. call

Resting is not the same thing as being lazy. Who cares what you do or don’t get accomplished today. You deserve rest.

I’ll FaceTime you pretending to be your toxic boss who “needs you at work asap or you’re fired” in order to get you out of any family events this holiday season

Anyone else use the removal of exclamation points in an email as a form of “corporate punctuation punishment” or are you normal?

Happy Ferburaury! Wishing you much success in the month no one can spell or remember how long it even is, with an over-hyped commercial holiday right in its center. Let’s make these next 30 days count! ❤️

Valentine’s for my work besties ♥️

Me, writing my performance self appraisal:  - consistently modified my goals throughout the year when they became unattainable for reasons outside my sphere of control bc that shit ain’t fair

Me, writing my performance self appraisal: - provided original and morale enhancing workplace entertainment because this place is boring AF

Me, writing my performance self appraisal: - worked hard enough in a “you’d be super rude to fire me” kinda way fr

Me, writing my performance self appraisal: - improved focus on self care initiatives

One of my favorite work memories was that time I relocated to Denver and showed up late on my first day of work because I woke up, saw it was snowing, and went back to bed thinking work was cancelled for a “snow day” since I grew up in Texas