Sorry I don’t date anyone who doesn’t have access to the nuclear launch codes

Saw my old boss on Feeld and apparently she tried matching with me

Made a martini so good they put it on the menu for work. Vodka with dill pickle brine and Calabrian chili oil

I am pleased to learn my other drink creation has also made it to the menu. Gin with spiced pear liqueur and cardamom bitters with a sprig of thyme as garnish

These people have genuinely lost their minds trying to get into a daycare to see the children that’s so insane

THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS RUN BY LITERAL NAZIS, DOCUMENTED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKERS, DRUG TRAFFICKERS, PEDOPHILES, WAR CRIMINALS AND IMPERIALIST MAFIOSOS HELLBENT ON THE COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF LIFE ON EARTH TO SATISFY THEIR INSATIABLE APPETITE FOR SADISM AND CRUELTY

Venezuela deserves to win this war and get him back

It’s always death to America doesn’t matter who is in power

My jeopardy host

Please check in on your friends from Long Island today

Everybody in Greenpoint got a fucking dog

Made a cranberry cheesecake

I made french onion soup and homemade croutons

Today I ate two hotdogs and saw lord of the rings in theaters

Heartbreaking: my favorite coworkers did not show up to the holiday party

Won an air fryer at the work holiday party and now I have two air fryers that I’ll never use

They’re injecting root beer into my veins

He would have to arrest himself and all of his friends

Just saw an old white man wearing a durag in the grocery store

Which country is into Mongolian wrestling?