dead inside

i think my heart is trying to leave my body

really hate this new post format of a single picture being split up into 3-4 chunks, shit looks so stupid

soulja boy can you please tell them

if you're a ghost, give me the chills

Women will literally say 'idk maybe I'm just crazy' right before accurately predicting a sequence of events with 100% psychic precision.

2 vodka crans in and suddenly i’m doing unto others as i would have them do unto me

goblin merchant: see? my wares are all very well priced :) me (thumbs twitching as i glare down at the soft spot on his little green head): stay still

Bath time 😃 Super cosy in my blanket 😩 Water on “boil” setting Laptop charger floating like rubber ducky Wet, wet jeans in the water! Smokey candles 🤤 Wine being used Fully dressed in case of last minute zoom or mail delivery

Getting trapped in the bird enclosure at the zoo for 1 hour and by the time security comes to rescue me I’m already eating a raw parakeet off the bone

I am a beautiful girl having to use excel so you can imagine what kind of stress I am under

The mild euphoria I experienced after consuming my first orange in several months suggests I was knocking on scurvy’s door

(getting a vision of how i will die, seeing myself dressed as a pirate and bleeding out on the floor of a casino) oh okay that’s not so bad

when u wake up early thinking it's 5 mins before ur alarm but it's genuinely 3am

Why do certain apps think they can pause my music…you’re nothing and no one

IRDGAFFFF if I’m retweeting my leftist brilliant ideology in between describing a yeast infection while technically retweeting gay pornography (which I’m prescribed by a doctor to consume for psychiatric reasons) on here. This decorum is actually perfect❤️suppport? 💋

got tangled up in a bunch of nets again.....i'm not better than a fish

What’s a dentist’s favorite time? 4:20! #TheWeedDentist