I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

Potatoes make French fries, chips, and vodka. It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.

As I lay there, my naked body covered in chocolate and whipped cream, I hear those five inevitable words... Clean up in isle three.

Everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about until the tequila is poured.

Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up and if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does.

Sometimes you run into people who change your life for the better. Those people are called bartenders.

I'm 100% sure I called shotgun. Why are you shoving me in the back? Yeah I realize I'm being arrested but the rules of shotgun are pretty clear.

To the people who lose their shoe on the side of the highway: please tell me what the rest of your life is like.

When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie wonder with a lightsaber.

There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

When people tell me they're "spiritual" I'm like "demons are spirits too... Be more specific."

I have reached an age where falling asleep on the couch has nothing to do with coming home drunk.