Tolkien based many of his fantasy creatures off of real freaks that he knew

Tired of my friends who aren't in recovery apologizing to me every time they get a drink when we're out. If we're truly friends, know that I want you to drink so much you bottom out completely and have to start going to meetings with me

Got cornered by Vasa fitness representatives on campus and wound up asking the male if fitness would give me a penis like the leg of a balloon giraffe. He didn't laugh but hopefully he understands I'm just another teen doing teenstuff

Finally ready to start working on my P.H.D (Penis/Hog/Dick)

A couple of important lessons for you

Another day, another shirking of God's love in favor of what's metal

Munchie is the first time a movie has ever broken me. I have visceral disgust and anger towards this movie now. I would gladly watch 500 Days of Salò over this again. The Mads Felicia Day🇺🇸 and Patton Oswalt are unrepentant monsters

How to do stand up comedy: 1. Take mic out of stand 2. Move stand behind you 3. Make it all their problem

😔

AnnaLynne McCord ❤️ Dear Mister President Vladimir Putin

Dating a single parent is the worst because it leaves you with child rearing instincts you'll never get to use again after you break up. None of my friends will let me put them in time out or fuck their mom, even

Glad that doing comedy finally paid off career wise i.e put me into contact with a photographer who now employs me doing something totally unrelated

if you watch the elvis movie backwards it’s about a white dude waking up next to a toilet and giving black people their music back

What sort of pilled am I if all I do now is wander around my apartment saying you want some fucking nip and giggling while my cat Muffin follows me and chirps like a bird

Petition to change the name of the dune remake to Chalmets Worm

Thinking about the times I was wholesome and sweet as an alcoholic like when I messaged Selma Blair on insta at four A.M during a black out to tell her it was "brave to have M.S"

Can’t wait to unwrap this on Christmas morning 😍

A better dare commercial would've been me with years of sobriety pointing my keys at the door and hitting unlock