That moment when your client calls you from inside the court toilets asking where the courtroom is.

“My neighbour’s fence is 4 inches over the boundary.” OK. Let’s launch full-scale litigation over £0.73 worth of land.

Final hearing today. Client wore Crocs and a T-shirt that said “LAWYERED.” Reader, he was not.

We once had a client hide in the stationery cupboard to avoid service. He was there 90 minutes.

Local planning committee turned down a bungalow extension because it might “disturb the bats.”

New instruction: man wants to sue the pub quiz host for libel. Apparently called him “thick” over the speakers.

Asked a client for their ID. They handed me a Blockbuster card and whispered, “This is who I used to be.”

A solicitor dies and goes to heaven. He says, “But I’m only 42!” St Peter checks his records and replies, “According to your time sheets, you’re 97.”

Me: this contract needs a Force Majeure clause Client: what’s the Scottish singer of Ultravox got to do with it? I wouldn’t force him to do anything.

Client: I don’t want any warranties - Martin Lewis says they’re always rubbish after a year. Me: This isn’t Currys, mate.

Client: What does “time is of the essence” mean? Me: Chap, you’re not starring in Mission Impossible. Just reply to emails on time.

Client: We don’t need a shareholders’ agreement. We’re mates. Me: So were Lennon and McCartney, Liam and Noel and me and that ice cream van. Look how they all ended.

Client: We don’t need a contract. We trust each other. Me: So did the Trojans 🐴

Client (after receiving OOO): It’s cool you’re spending a day like a monk Jamie. Me: Nnno… mediation. Very different thing. Although I’ll want to become a monk after it.

Me: We will need a Tomlin Order. Client: Is that the thai soup thing? I’ll check Deliveroo.

Me: You’ll need a witness to watch you execute the agreement. Client: Bit harsh. Can’t we just sign it?