The person in charge of Taylor Swifts marketing should be running the American voting system. Who else could convince people to wait tirelessly in line for two days straight for the likely possibility of leaving devastated & soulless but with zero regrets?

I need one of those deeply obsessive, but short lived hobbies that become your entire personality for three weeks and then disappear forever into the void.

Everyone young complaining about Ticketmaster: Me, 41: “Well, in my day we camped outside of Sam Goody for two days straight in the freezing rain & snow to MAYBE buy tickets to The Backstreet Boys concert because we didn’t have “technology” like…”

Screenshotting my bio because I know I’ll never again be capable of such brilliance twice in my lifetime and I want to remember it when Twitter goes dark.

I wish the Swifties would combine their powers to organize and perform a hostile takeover of Twitter.

I’m going to stay positive and say this app will still be here when I wake up in the morning. I have been placing my faith in undeserving, over privileged white men since I was at least 21, so why would I change course now?

If Twitter ends, who am I going to passively aggressively complain to about Twitter ending?

A thing I love about Twitter is we can all have a three day meltdown about a single topic and then just as suddenly stop mentioning it and pretend it never happened.

A huge part of my problem is that I need a nemesis.

Marry somebody who agrees with you on the distance that should be left between your car and the one in front of you.

Imagine living your one precious life as a person who doesn’t like dogs.

I don’t know why Kanye is trending and I’ve decided not to find out.

Harry & Meghan releasing their Netflix trailer the same day that William & Kate land on American soil is the height of rich people pettiness and I like to see it.

Everything that The Morning Show told us about the behind the scenes drama and backstabbing of television news is accurate and also fantastic.

I love how on election nights, we all gather in excitement and wait for Steve Kornacki to light the ballots and send a white smoke signal into the air.

please remember that aging is a gift

At this point I wonder if I’m the one who dies in the season finale of The White Lotus.

I socialized twice today, so I think I’m done for the season, thanks.

Maybe it’s just from living in New York, but if the Chinese place isn’t a total dive, I don’t want it.

I don’t think you’ve really made it until Twitter says you’re dead while you are, in fact, very much alive.