Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

6yo: nothing, I've seen grown ups, I've decided to stay happy

I'm only here for the laughs and the sex tweets .... and the laughs at the sex tweets

Took my bra off for the night and my boobs have just fallen out with each other...

Do people who eat ass not know about pizza?

Imagine meeting your soulmate only to find out they don’t like cheese

Be romantic with me and I’ll eagerly fulfill your every desire.

Why the fuck do we even have commas when we don’t even know where to put them?

I changed many fucking things over years before finally accepting maybe she just wasn't that fucking into me

The gift of presence cannot be underestimated.

The caught me smile that makes me quickly look the other way

I've noticed that anyone driving slower than me is a dumb-ass and anyone driving faster than me is a maniac

if i’m in your twitter circle, welcome to rock bottom

It’s like the people in this sauna have never seen a third testicle before.

i’m not running from the past but i can’t look back or it might kill me

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Sometimes you gotta fill the bathtub with rice and sit in it to fix yourself.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor's house that no one likes.