"Racism is not a known side effect," Ambien maker says after Roseanne Barr blames it for tweets wapo.st/2L9rNtF

*me looking at my homie floating in the ocean* Him: check it out i’m floatin lol Me: yeaaaah bouyyyyyy

tbh Bryan Adams, an entire summer of 69s sounds almost too nice!

jesus christ why are you people still following me? it’s been six years, move on

CTE sufferer who rolls around half naked with other men calls things "gay" like it's 2002

war cry as you run over yet another pet

it boop beep like that mister stancil

horse is just natures dirt bike

My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

I MIGHT BE BUGGIN BUT I DONT THINK JOHN LENNON DIED CUZ HE ATE MEAT x.com/vegavenger/sta…

no, idiot. you are “awake” and you are “shaken”. present tense. get it right. have you ever stopped to think about English’s feelings? no. you haven’t. because everything is just about you. you self-absorbed little language rapist.

how is there not a car-themed barber called The Chop Shop? the ideas write themselves. it’s gold. shaven door handles = moustache trim caught boosting = buzzcut shortcut = short cut pickup = mullet octane booster = complimentary coffee hair dryers in turbo housings, etc

If you want halal treats Don’t travel that far Just come get your sweets At Allahu

what’s the difference between hannah montana and the shop that sells emojis? one is miley cyrus the other’s smilies-r-us

Siri done told me, damn

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times. repeat after me. IT'S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD. IT'S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD. IT'S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD. IT'S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD. IT'S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.