Incredible work, everyone.

Netflix had enough cash to buy Warner Bros., but cried poor when we shared passwords with our mom.

My wife wrapped a few gifts from Santa and then left them on the table. When my kids found them I had to quickly become the biggest fucking liar I’ve ever been. Now they think Dad’s subcontracted by the North Pole to help wrap because of an elves union strike.

The winter storm hasn’t even hit yet and I’ve already eaten all the toilet paper I bought.

Don’t forget to leave yalls sinks drippin this weekend

if you release a Super Bowl commercial early, it is not a Super Bowl commercial

I don’t follow hockey, but this had me tearing up. They brought their teammate’s (who was killed by a drunk driver) kids out onto the ice with their dad’s jersey to celebrate the moment. 🥹

Holy smokes. This might be the most American thing I've ever seen. Congrats to these guys 🇺🇸

My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons.

being asked about taylor frankie paul by my friends and family who don’t watch secret lives of mormon wives

I’m actually bawling my eyes out no one speak to me for the rest of the day

The fact that this is her final song as Hannah Montana, bidding our childhood a last goodbye, is so emotional. Our generation really had the best childhood, no one’s topping that.

"I haven't fed them in a week" 😭 Rick Pitino on how he keeps his team hungry 💀 #MarchMadness

Goodbye Hannah Montana, thank you, you’ll live forever

Sir, Tiger Woods has tried to drive home again.

Hang it in the Louvre.

Not a single April fool’s joke today because we are living in a joke

We see pictures of the beautiful gift we’ve been given from outerspace, and we’re down here nuking it with bombs. How undeserving we are