Store associate: Finding everything ok? I'm not stealing anything...but I always react like I am

We're living in a time that will be a few chapters in a history book...that some middle school kid will draw dicks in the back of. So there's that.

All conspiracy theorists graduated from a specific improv school that specialized in, "yeah, but"

Dear Occupy Wall Street, You've just been served Sincerely, Reddit

Must be a family thing to run over people who use the stunner #RoyalRumble #WWE #UniversalTitle

"Box like structure" you mean a box Michael Cole? It's a goddamn box. #WrestleMania

Tamina is really showing off that killer instinct...must run in the family #WrestleMania

Charles Manson, who loved dune buggies and idolized The Beatles, arrived in Los Angeles with dreams of recording success. A thwarted record deal and an address mix-up led to him expressing his grievances in a way that many have issues with.

The only person who determines if you're a failure is you... And probably the people paying you.

You say "This our forever home" I hear "One day someone will find me face down in the kitchen."

Whatever will I spend it on? I've never seen perversion and convenience come together so well. I love Boise Watson's Mystery Cafe tonight at 630pm Mad Swede Brewing Co (brew hall) at 9pm

Lawyer: it's really inappropriate for you to fuck your EMPLOYEES...wink wink... Vince: ohhhh...if they're not my EMPLOYEES Lawyer: yeah...

My new comedy special "Welfare in Disguise" is live now on YouTube or my website zackhammond.net m.youtube.com/watch?v=UN4j-V… Doug Stanhope can I get a retweet?

New Special at Zackhammond.net #stoners #heroin #boring

New Special at Zackhammond.net #comedy #whitegold #funny

New Comedy Special at zackhammond.net #liberal #comedy #mtrushmore

Gas light came on and told me I had 30miles till empty. I drove 50 before the car stopped. I will not be gaslit by a literal gas light

Anyone Else Have This Problem? #comedynight #standupcomedy #standupcomedian #comedyshow #livecomedy #LaughOutLoud #fyp