I hope my friends also use my death to get out of their various obligations, what a beautiful way to honor someone’s memory

Justin Timberlake when he realized no officers recognized him:

I miss the days when the news smacked so goddamn hard Peter Jennings had to fire up a heater just to deliver that shit.

Biden should go on Hot Ones, tbh

Hey Clue Heywood is this the new mascot for Friday beers?

ALWAYS👏ASK👏POTENTIAL👏EMPLOYERS👏WHY👏THE👏POSITION👏IS👏OPEN👏

You moved to PA already Ben ?

Barron pulls bong hit. Holds breath. Points to his friend. Quickly blurts out “attach the file and hit send”. Blows out the smoke. “No, fuckin’ way I’m going back to DC” Plays Fortnite.

My oil painting of the Baja Blast

Long live, The Onion

RFK Jr endorsing Trump is like E. coli endorsing diarrhea.

Aaron Rodgers identifies as a cat.

I followed a school bus this morning on my way to the gym Not a single kid in the back gave me the finger The new generation is soft

This is like watching the Patriots playing the Cowboys and both teams lose by four touchdowns.

1k retweets and we'll make this bobblehead

Hey there Grok who was the most famous person to visit my profile? It doesn't need to be a mutual, don't tag them, just say who it was…

Hey Grok who was the most famous person to block my account, and why did they block me?