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They say we all have two wolves inside us….both of mine like doggy style.

terrible news for people who like big booty bitches: my doctor just prescribed me ozempic

can y’all please start dating men that actually like you so you can shut the fuck up

You're in her DMs, Im trying to contact her about her vehicle's extended warranty. We are not the same.

Did you guys know there is no rule against wearing old Halloween costumes any day you want?

I think a cartoon flower pot falling off a window sill and onto my head would probably fix me.

It only takes one tiny whiney to dry up a vaginey

When you have people clapping real loud for you, you don’t notice who isn’t

Just remember while you drink and do drugs, I'm at the gym lifting and putting in work. Then I drink and do drugs.

FYI ribbed condoms do NOT taste like ribs

Oh, I dont carry this stick of deodorant in my pocket for me.

What have you fucking people done?

Your infant is throwing a lot of shade my way for someone who can't fight.

A family album is a catalogue of absences and overstays

It's never too early to start making bad decisions.

All I know is I used to have a lot of twitter crushes, and now I have a lot of X wives.

I have gay friends and I have straight friends, and for the record my straight friends are far, far more gay.

Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution

My quarterly serious tweet: this time, neurodivergence. I am ADHD and clearly somewhere on the spectrum. I really, really, really hate the expectation that everyone just has to be okay with how I act -- all the time, always, with no exceptions or you're a bad person. You don't.

Apologies for being late. I tripped my dog and had to kiss her for 48 minutes.