people who get diarrhea from taco bell are weak and their bloodline is weak and history will forget them

Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"

Next I’m buying Coca-Cola to put the cocaine back in

since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands

son: *counts to ten* wife: good job me: (smugly) eleven

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

your password must contain a character... with a tragic backstory

Birds live all over the world actually

gf says because we got chinese yesterday we can’t get it again today. i don’t think that makes sense . they do it in china all the time

A job interview is basically a conversation between two lìars.

I stay away from beef-flavored cat food. At no point could Sylvia realistically bring down a cow, and I don't need that kind of ego in the house.

My cat hates the vacuum cleaner. I plugged it in to charge and came back to find him taking his revenge😂

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Why don't you make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy, then use that energy to fuck off

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts, this Boeing 737 beside us looks like it wants to race

wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

One of life's most important skills is writing a nasty, angry email, letting it sit for a minute, then deleting it and moving on.