If I tell you I’m hungry, it’s already too late

A food truck, but it's just me serving nothing but recipes for disasters.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

I don’t always hold my tongue. I will if I’ve been able to throughly wash my hands, or at the very least slather them with hand sanitizer.

If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

Friends don't let friends have friends who shouldn't be their friends.

*Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.

My therapist told me "time heals all wounds", So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

If you're gonna make me out to be something I'm not, it'd be cool if you'd make me a dragon, thanks.

Watching drunk twins fight. The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

It must be hard for water to be ice.

"STOP COPYING ME!" I yell, as my car spins out of control.

[At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere. I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say? Me: It doesn't talk. Cashier: Ya, but what does it say? Me: IT DOESN'T TALK. Cashier: Ok, Ma'am.