Mcdonalds employee: your voice sounds so familiar Me: guess i just have one of those voices haha employee: [snapping] you called earlier asking if we had a pool

man if i could lose like 5-10 lbs i think i'd be my ideal weight [eats so much taco bell that i wish i were dead]

those kids working the sewing machines must have been terrified

it's cool that you never see anybody naming their child after elon because anyone who would do that is a virgin

but what he doesn't know is that he's locked me inside. i'm rummaging through stuff like a goblin

i'm sitting in a mcdonalds and there's one other older man in the lobby and lick me like a lollipop is playing so fucking loudly

santa is about to suck obi-wan dry

fellas what would you do if you pulled up to your girl's house and you saw another man's hot air balloon parked outside

ok big conversation here, a lot of layers and i get that but did you say hit by a boat

[stopping elmo in the parking lot when we're heading out] hey man did you call her baby back there

worried about getting old? try a somersault. it’ll kill you, nothing to worry about anymore

just heard the news about oj. it cuts deep. like a knife. like there’s this stabbing sensation almost

the first time a cookie ever crumbled, the guy must have been upset, and someone along the way just said look man this is the reality of the situation

[clicks on door] i should kiss the homies before i go [click] locked. i wonder if the homies could go for a smooch [click] i need to kiss the homies before i can use this

[typing with my index fingers] i hope this email finds you in shambles. hope everyone’s holiday was fucking hell. i hate you

velma: would you go in that spooky mansion for a scooby snack?? scooby: [shakes head] velma: what about 2 scooby snacks??? scooby: ruh-uh. velma: listen scooby i didn’t wanna have to do this but…would you do it for heroin