There is no need to rush. What is for you always arrives on time👌 ————————————————– Have a great afternoon with a memorable weekend. 🌤️🌸 #HappyWeekend #GoodVibes

I no longer watch the news and you'd be surprised how much better it makes me feel. Try it and see for yourself.

Hello; I know my mom had quite a few online friends and connections on this account. I wanted to thank everybody who has reached out to her. facebook.com/2530634/posts/…

I don't know what's wrong with your baby. I put the leftover chicken vindaloo through the blender before I fed it to him.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I don’t care for small talk. I prefer awkward silence.

I just got my A Level results. I got a D for Homeopathy. I’m really pleased as it’s a highly diluted A!

Digital rectal examination - DRE. Well, who in their right mind would go for the analogue version?

Beauty of you depends on everything you do

I used to think the mirror was my friend. Now, I fear, it regards me within indifference. So I’m damned if I’m going to clean it.

Yodel are back in top spot for the position of worst ever delivery company - they’ve managed to have “attempted delivery of a package” to a house number size of a football with electric gates wide open for two consecutive evenings. Don’t use them! Yodel_Uk Support Team Yodel_Uk Online & Support

I joined a support group for former computer hackers. Anonymous Anonymous

"I drank a shot of olive oil every day for 2 weeks – here’s what surprised me most" I tried that too, and here's what didn't surprise me at all - steatorrhoea. Look it up if you have to. Another daft health fad... womenshealthmag.com/uk/food/health…

You know you've slept like a log when making the bed takes 5 seconds...

Nick Flatt And you’re dead…

Can spiders climb out of the vacuum cleaner? I cannot concentrate on tweets of world shattering importance until I know the answer.

Don't blame the NHS crisis on old people. In view of the inadequacies of the system, only the fittest get old..

If you're a driver who is angry with all the slower drivers, and under twenty five, don't despair. You have a 25% chance of not surviving.

Women have to speak more than men, because the buggers never listen..

The crevices of my heart are stuffed with little loving memories - brain cell overflow. Apple should design a chip to speed up retrieval.