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Sometimes the lyrics of a song has a way of soothing your emotions.

As my date got louder and louder yelling at me, I had the restaurant staff take away all the knives from the table.

Pretty disappointing we can't skip people like we can skip rocks.

Dating a man with a tear drop tattoo probably won’t kill me, but why take the chance?

Do you ever forget to eat or are you normal?

Twitter: demented and sad but social

My friend, when I ran into her in the wine aisle, “Is your mother-in-law coming over for dinner again?”

[Flicks cigarette] I am a prisoner of my own brilliance

Establish dominance by evil laughter.

the stars the moon and you

I have an interview tomorrow and it’s my dream job. wish me luck.

Oh you come for Big Balls, you better not miss. It's on like donkey kong.

Nights like this cause me to miss a bedtime story.

It’s not you, it’s your Ankle Monitor.

Fact: cats sit on your lap to dominate you

Nighttime is when I remember that one weird thing I said in 6th grade and feel bad about it forever.