I’m not a Disney princess. But when I go outside & open my labias up like a beautiful ball gown the birds gather around me and start singing.

911: what’s your emergency? Me: I’M AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY LOOKING AT THE MENU AND I’M STONED! 911: stay calm ma’am. We’re sending help now.

Laughter is the souls defibrillator. Use that shit to resuscitate the people who claim to be dead inside. ~inspirational tweet

When she tells you not to cum yet but you’re already there.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE 10MM ANAL BEADS?” Buddhist monk: this is a mala prayer necklace & it was made from Bodhi seeds in Tibet. Please lower your voice inside the meditation temple. Me: *softly whispers* How much?

Sorry I’m late. *sips green tea* A guy at Starbucks was screaming at the barista because she wouldn’t give him a straw. So I unwrapped one, shoved it deep into his nostril & demonstrated how baby turtles feel.

National Geographic just released the most dangerous activities in the world: 1. Climbing Mount Everest 2. African Safari 3. Swimming with sharks 4. Skydiving 5. Fucking in a hammock

This piece of art speaks to me on so many different levels.

(during yoga class) Instructor: Take a deep breath in, slowly stretch into the Halasana pose and feel your body becoming more limber. Me: *trying to stretch backwards just to see if I can eat my own ass* Instructor: Stop it. Not like that.

When I drink V8 juice I pretend it’s the blood of my enemies. This also freaks people out at the grocery store because I’m naked and wearing fake vampire teeth.

If she doesn’t put your erect penis on her forehead, pretend to be a wild rhino and make obscene animal mating calls... she’s not into you.

I really miss going to live concerts. Feeling the music pulsating through my veins, experiencing the raw energy from the crowd, throwing my red silk panties at Chuck E. Cheese trying to get backstage.

What is this Polar Vortex you people speak of and can I smoke it?

*Throws vaginal mesh into the ocean like a fishing net and tries to catch a tuna*

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists in Australia have recently discovered that a humpback whale’s penis is almost 10 feet long! Whale: *pouting* The ocean water was very cold that day and it’s normally MUCH bigger than that. Whale’s wife: *rolls eyes*

Important things I’ve learned from Twitter: -Strangers are mean to each other -Housewives are extremely horny -People love talking about buttholes -Nobody reads any substantial books -Snickers bars have dick veins

Fifty Shades of “the only people who watch this movie, haven’t been choke fucked wearing a green latex bodysuit and Kermit the Frog mask.”

List of things to do on Earth Day: -Plant 5 trees to save the environment -Recycle all non-biodegradable items -Help people study climate change -Participate in national beach clean up -Give homeless man a hand-job

If she doesn’t grab your penis on a road trip, make “VROOM” noises and shift it like she’s driving a Ferrari...it’s not true love.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!” *passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*