“She doesn’t need *your* cheese. She’s perfectly happy with ours.”

“I- but that’s- *fine-*” A little sigh of defeat.

Oh, most definitely not. At the mention of his sister, he tenses, his gaze narrowing at the other. “She’s fine, not that it’s any business of yours.”

“But Madeline is — ” He was going to say ‘my friend’, but has thought better of it. It sounds childish even to his own ears. “…If Madeline is okay with it.”

“What is it with everyone trying to befriend Madeline?”

“..says you.” That bit’s muttered under his breath. “Now, look here, Chapman! Madeline is a creature of exquisite taste, which is why she’s decided to make Funn Funerals her home, and why she’s decided to make *me* her friend.”

“I would be much better if I could focus on work, Chapman — work which you are keeping me from.” …There aren’t any bodies at the moment — but Chapman doesn’t need to know that.

While Madeline sniffs at the snack, Rudyard huffs, crossing his arms. “Nothing! I’m very busy, as you can see, so if you could just go about your day-”

If looks could k!ll, Chapman would be their next cadaver. Rudyard scowls. “Of course we have work! We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time. *That’s* what’s important.”

Rudyard looks affronted. “Chapman, Madeline is a not a *child*. You don’t need to be so condescending. It’s rude.”

It’s honestly a miracle Rudyard hasn’t leapt over the counter to strangle the man. Not that he would be able to — he is awfully scrawny. “It’s turning out just fine, thank you!”

“Madeline knows how adorable she is.” He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“I know *cheese*, Chapman. I don’t need anything from *you*.”

/ / : pls I want to bring him back SO BAD he’s in my brain HELP

/ / : spare him interactions I beg he’s just a dumb little guy

/ / : bababababab I miss him pls

You see, I want to tell you all about a man named Rudyard Funn. He owns the funeral parlour, and he's responsible for all the funerals in Piffling Vale, and today he experienced what was undoubtedly the worst day of his life—which, to be honest, was probably long overdue.

I am remembering the fête. Hm. I wish I didn’t.