The only thing more annoying than the voice of a TikToker is the sound of the voice of a TikToker being played at 5X normal speed by my wife, while scrolling TikTok, at 7 AM.

Learning magic is really hard… And expensive.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow.

My dog is looking at my slice of chocolate cake like he knows that in the next life he’ll be human and he’s going to eat ALL the chocolate.

I just got a notification from Rocket Money asking me if I was aware I spent $274.00 on the TikTok shop. First of all, I don’t care for your tone, ma’am. Second of all, that is none of your business.

The tech bro I never knew was in my husband is on full tilt. Him, “Babe you remember that crypto I bought years ago?” Me, “No.” Him, “Well I did.” Me, “Is it doing well?” Him, “Babe. It’s so good. Like crazy good.” Me, “Did you call me babe? 2x? On purpose?” Him, “Babe. Focus.

I took Lady Lawya to a swanky hotel… She wasn’t impressed. We had a great day and a great lunch… She wasn’t impressed. We got back to the hotel room and found that housekeeping had left her extra bottles of her favorite, high-end shampoo, and suddenly, she was like:

I hope your day is as beautiful as ours! My daughter got ENGAGED!!! Her fiancée is such a kind human and I could not be happier for them! I am soooooo excited I can barely breathe!

My husband is in charge of the attorney bar party this year and I forgot to RSVP because I had a LOT going on and also it’s a given I will be there since he is in charge. How about this man asks me, “What are your plans for tomorrow since you aren’t going to the bar party?”

I’ve posted before about how my wife frequently wakes up mad at real me for something dream me did or said. Apparently, dream me now has a podcast. Dream me’s cohost is a woman. The woman is not my wife. Apparently, this is a problem.

My husband asked if we were pregaming my parent’s Christmas party tonight. I held up my 40 oz Stanley cup I’ve been drinking out of since 3:00, “Do you think this is water?”

My husband and I are going to a fancy restaurant. Husband, “Have you foreplayed the menu?” Me, “I beg your pardon?” Husband, “Have you googled the menu?” I don’t know if he read that somewhere or what but it will forever be known to me as “foreplaying” the menu.

My husband took me to a nice hotel for my bday and I forgot my fan so he DoorDash’d one. However, the tiny one he bought was sold out and they replaced it with the biggest fan I’ve ever seen. The amount of fanshame my husband had walking out of the hotel with a 4 ft tall fan this

Hear me out.., Shouldn’t the slogan be “Aquaphor, and after”, instead of “before and Aquaphor”? …no, just me?

I have a dinner date with my best girlfriend tonight and my husband said, “Are you sure I can’t come? I won’t talk too much.” And oh my god I don’t deserve him.

Discussing the end of TikTok and I explained about the possibility of Mr. Wonderful and maybe Mr. Beast saving it and my husband looked at me with utter confusion and said, “I would ask who those people are but honestly I don’t have the energy or desire to listen to the answer.”

My children are 26, 23, 21, and 15. I also have 3 bonus kids 27, 24, and 23. No less than twice a day, every single day, I receive a loving text from at least one of them that reads something like this:

My husband took me to the Ritz Carlton, trying to romance me. Bought me a bottle of champagne and two drinks in he’s trying to geographically explain Eastern Europe to me and I just don’t think he understands how this works.

My 79 year old mother just casually told me she got kicked out of an Applebee’s last Wednesday and I cannot ask enough questions fast enough.

I crafted a beautiful parlay that would have paid over 9k if hit. My husband looked it over and said, “That bet on Arch Manning as first to score TD is too risky. I would change that.” So I switched to Germie Bernard for 67+ yds. Arch scored the 1st TD. Germie got 62 yds.