Having reenacted Dead Set and Celebrity Hijack over the past two episodes in Big Brother's effort to bring back 2008, Mohamed and Kathreya become the bookies' favourites for tonight's double eviction. #bbuk

That white bit on the end of Brooke's nose is the eighth housemate to be evicted. In a shock double eviction twist, Brooke follows shortly after. #bbuk

Sîan is the ninth housemate to be evicted. She strolls out like she's been called for tea and forgets she was ever on Big Brother within 24 hours. #bbuk

Everybody suddenly remembers that Coleen Nolan once won this show and stares in terror at Zoe. #bbuk

Big Brother has ended. The first episode of "Goodbye Big Brother" begins, breaking everyone's Sky series links in Channel 5's last act of spite. Only 3 bored Netflix producers watch live. #bbuk

Big Brother accidentally realises they haven't put too many people in the final for once, and decides to jointly evict the bottom two anyway to save face, because it would break a longstanding and beloved tradition not to fuck the final up. #bbuk

Cian and Zoe leave in 4th and 3rd place, respectively. Poor beleaguered Zoe is forced to share her interview with her treacherous friend, a man who tolerates the company of other women without her permission. #bbuk

Cameron is declared the winner of Big Brother 19. The show gets cancelled again, somehow. It gets significantly more cancelled than it already was. It gets double-cancelled. #bbuk

Akeem leaves the house with the honour of being Big Brother's last ever vaguely tolerable housemate. #bbuk

Cameron leaves the house as the last ever winner. Fireworks spell the phrase "BIG BROTHER HATES WOMEN" in the night sky, with the clarification "EXCEPT FOR AWFUL ONES E.G. ZOE" in smaller fireworks underneath. #bbuk

Lewis F sieg heils tearfully from the audience. Channel 5 panics and cuts to that Chris Tarrant holocaust train show. #bbuk

Big Brother discovers that the Big Brother insiders moles are the last people still watching, hastily reinstates Anamélia to the house, and crowns her the winner just to placate us. Thank you, Big Brother. We do appreciate this. #bbuk

The house is torn up into timber for a bonfire. Cameron is hoisted on top as the Guy. "Oh, this is just bloody typical", he tuts as he's burned alive. #bbuk

Meanwhile, Cameron Stout buys his first computer, and is elated as he loads up Twitter and sees that people are still congratulating him for his Big Brother win 15 years later. #bbuk

In the last twist of the series, it turns out yesterday didn't really happen and was only a nightmare Akeem had last night. "I only gave it 109%", he pants to the housemates. "That must be where I went wrong." #bbuk

Please kill us