An old man walked into a coffee shop and asked, "Does this coffee have caffeine in it?" The employee replied, "Yes, but if you drink too much, you'll be so awake that you won't be able to sleep!" The old man laughed, "Then how can I drink it without being awake?"

A man walks into a supermarket and sees the words “50% Off.” He thinks to himself, “Great!” When he gets to the counter, he asks the clerk, “Does the 50% off apply to me?” The clerk replies, “Yes, it applies to all customers except those who ask this question.”

A boy asked a girl: "Do you know why I like you?" The girl replied: "Because you're beautiful?" The boy shook his head: "No, because you always bring me delicious food!" The girl smiled: "Then I'll cook more!"

Mark tried to teach his cat how to fetch, but the cat just stared at him and said, “I don’t fetch, I reign. Fetching is for dogs.” Mark sighed, “Well, at least you’re consistent.” The cat purred, “Of course, I’m royalty.”

Mark tried to teach his cat to fetch, but it just stared at him and said, “I don’t fetch, I reign.” Mark sighed, “Well, at least you’re consistent.” The cat yawned, “Of course I am. I’m royalty.”

I decided to clean my house today. After one hour, I realized I spent more time looking for the vacuum than actually vacuuming. Procrastination at its finest. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get around to actually cleaning… if I find the vacuum.

I bought a new fitness tracker. It said, “Track your steps!” I looked at it and thought, “How about we track my snack breaks instead?” I took it off and ate some cookies. Fitness can wait until tomorrow.

The dog said, “I’m smarter than most people. I know when it’s dinner time.” The cat replied, “Well, I know when it''s nap time, and that’s more important.

At the airport, a man noticed his suitcase had a tag that read Fragile. He thought, Am I fragile? Or is the suitcase? The suitcase, however, had a different problem—it was missing a wheel.

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