I downloaded the soundtrack from the film Titanic It’s syncing now.

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how you get back up. Cop: Yeah… That's not how field sobriety tests work.

I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

I always pay extra for the deboned donuts.

#facts

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock. She replied, “Aisle B, back”.

Everyone knows about famous painter Bob Ross but few have heard about his brother Albert, who was famous for his 6 ft wingspan. #notsorry

A priest is driving along a country road, when the police pull him over. They smell alcohol on the priest's breath. “Have you been drinking?" “Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest says: "Good Lord He's done it again!”

I hate the word "xenophobia", it sounds so... ... foreign.

A man saw a woman in the grocery store with a toddler-age girl in the cart seat. As they passed the cookie section the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking,” replies the cop. "Great," says the man. "When do we start?"

A Man walks into a zoo and the only animal in the entire Zoo was a dog. It was a Shitzu…

Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you’re alive? Apparently I did and won’t be allowed on Southwest Airlines again.

If a husband says something in a forest and nobody hears, is he still wrong

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I think my phone is broken. I pressed the home button but I'm still at work.

How do you get a country girl to go out with you? Attract her.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She hugged me.