Is it ok to say, “Fuck you, I want a divorce” in a text or no.

For me, it’s always the little things that make my day.

Looks like the red wave was actually just some mid-cycle spotting.

Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone.

Woke up to see twitter is now “X”. The real question is “Y”

Men are such idiots

I know I seem unapproachable. That's the plan.

Pro Tip: Feel the need for a good relationship? Get a dog.

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

Quit crying, it only gets worse. Start drinking now and you'll be fine. -Me as a high school guidance counselor.

Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house and get a job? God, we were dumb.

I wanted to get off the couch and get a glass of water, but I'm too lazy to move, so I decided to tweet about it instead.

I can only assume that when people disappear from Twitter for months at a time that they're doing well in rehab.

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

The great thing about getting older is the ability to fall and hurt yourself without even drinking.

Your call is important to us. Please wait on the line until you're dead and an agent will be with you shortly after that.

please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

I wonder how many bodies are buried in Boyd's backyard.

People keep inviting me to attend their events like they don’t know I have a dog at home who I’d rather hang out with.