Does the phone company only give out really easy numbers to remember to personal injury lawyers?

The easiest way to cull difficult friendships is to write a terrible novel and then insist they read it and give you feedback. They will either avoid you so they don’t have to tell you how bad it is or tell you the truth and then you can act hurt and never speak to them again.

I hold the world record for speed reading Terms & Conditions and hitting Agree.

The proportion of bottles of wine sent back is equal to the number of people who object to a wedding during the Priest’s calls for objections.

If you’re ever accused of being jealous it’s required, under state law, to say: ‘Jealous? Me? Jealous?!!

I’m going on a non-alcoholic brewery tour this weekend.

A fly flew into my car so I rolled up the window and drove her to South Carolina to see the ocean before she died.

I was receiving my final prophesy when my mother thought I was sleeping and nudged me during the Showcase Showdown.

Cult + Time = Religion Cult + Money = Catholic Church Money + Time = Mortgage Time + Religion = A Waste of Time Religion + Cult = Scientology Scientology + Money = Tom Cruise

Is anyone else still pissed that Sufjan Stevens never did an album for all 50 states. What a prick.

Aren’t there any pictures of Charles Darwin when he was young?

Weird is a word boring people use to describe interesting people.

If corporations really believed in the free market economy there would be no non compete agreements.

I don’t feel like being an Optometrist is really that hard. Is this clearer? Or this? This? Or this? Your job is built around true or false.

Hold on, potential spam is calling, I gotta take this.

I’m a veteran of the Cola Wars.

Adam & Eve, the original origin story.

‘We’d like to announce our budding love affair to our fifty eight million followers. We would appreciate that you respect our privacy at a sensitive time like this.’

It’s strange that we’ve never seen a picture of Jesus wearing a hat.

To my tech overlords: can I please ride a hoverboard before my robot butler kills me in my sleep.