one fun thing about comedy you don't realize starting out is that the funniest person you've ever seen will quit to become a teamster and the worst person you've ever met will parlay a joke about Hitler's good points into a podcast career and make 90k a month

don't mind if I do

women love me fish love me I shall never know peace on land nor sea

taking lead paint chips sublingually to access their nootropic properties

one of the worst things about ai art is how lazy ppl are, like damn you already didn't have to do anything, and now you can't even be bothered to photoshop out those extra fingers?? im trying to jack off here

going to a new dentist, maybe this one won't be a coward like all the rest

You think eggs are expensive? You oughta try my wife's omelettes. First I pay for the groceries, then I pay three hours after I eat 'em!

said goodbye to this beauty queen today. so heartbroken but grateful to share in her long, chill life. she loved getting pets on exactly 3 spots, eating out of the garbage, and talking loudly about nothing, so we were perfect for each other. RIP Vesper, ilysm

just saw the first bathroom spider of the year, which is my Seattle version of Groundhog Day. a herald of the spring, and haha where the fuck did it go oh shit

being vegetarian is such bullshit, only sandwich they had at the store was asparagus and spinach. rolling and slipping ass sandwich

they might be giants fans be like "this song slaps" *John Linnell singing like a Civil War ghost over a keyboard and triangle* "I live upside down in a hat made of thirty threes" *extended horn solo followed by electric guitar riff*

in British Columbia flexing on the exchange rate. Yeah my dollars strong bc my dollar has nukes. yeah one minor medical issue would send me to financial ruin. Grow a Pentagon, nerds

Bellingham come out!

A lady in my buy nothing group is giving Hemingway a run for his money with her six-word short story: "Cow Skull. No longer my aesthetic."

stand-up origin stories: age seven. after dodging broken bottles in my broken home, I press my nose to the TV. in the static, I make out the bent shape of Mitch Hedberg. for the first time in my life, I hear laughter improv origin stories: seemed like a fun way to make friends!

realizing how long I've been unemployed

beautiful to see so many people saying NO to drunk driving and YES to erratically piloting a lime scooter through traffic

the trailers for the SNL movie: Lorne Michaels is a beleagured champion of the counterculture Lorne Micheals IRL: special guest Vladimir Putin rap battles against Zelenskyy (Chris Pratt) in a digital short sponsored by Blackrock and Nabisco