I was excited when I thought a friend sent me a text message. Turned out to be my Little Caesars app telling me my pizza is ready. I’ll take what I can get...

I’m using this isolation time as an excuse to grow out my unibrow.

I wish churches were open during this quarantine. I love that fried chicken. My pastor does too.

I’m saving myself for my second marriage.

I want to absorb and digest other cells but I’m dummy thicc and the clap of my phospholipid bilayer means they keep escaping my phagocytosis.

L'esprit de l'escalier

Forced rhubarb is the veal of the vegetable world.

Come to papa!

Man... Every once in a while, I find a song that hits me just right. This is the reason I listen to music. Thank you, JENNY O. youtube.com/watch?v=5PR5Zx…

I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa told me on his deathbed. He said, “The internet should be classified as a utility.”

Got some new socks

Pre-save my new album "Good Grief" on Spotify: distrokid.com/hyperfollow/fi… (powered by DistroKid)

I always wanted to be a rockstar. I turned out to be more of a David Lee Roth IRA kind of guy.

Proud dad moment when I hear my four year old quietly saying the name of each gorillaz character.

Next year, I’m going to break into the 1%. america's local band cheekface

I just bought tickets to see america's local band cheekface in June! 😮

So pumped to see america's local band cheekface

Melt-Banana was incredible last night.

''Man, every single person involved in this recording did everything absolutely right, perfection.'' ''This song is a perfect example of 'less is more'. Slow rhythm, calm voice, beautiful melody. Just magic.'' Watch how Chris Isaak performs 'Wicked Game' live in a beautiful